Occasion 1 involved a downpour, a deluge, a deep drift and an engine that wasn't designed for submarine conditions. A breakdown, in rush-hour traffic. After about 10 minutes of the "just wait, the engine will dry and the car will start again" mantra, I realised that not only my impatience, but that of every A-type personality driving their SUV backed up behind me was beyond optimism. I dialled the AA. Things went swimmingly (sorry...) until we got to the "so where are you?" bit of the dialogue.
"I'm on Rhodes Avenue, about 200 south of the intersection with the M3".
"The N3? How far from Durban are you?"
"About 2 000km. I'm in Cape Town. That's M3, not N3. The upper freeway."
"Threeways? Where is that?"
"No, the M3, outside Cape Town. Rhodes Avenue."
"Which roads?"
"Rhodes. Cecil. Jonty! Jam? Never mind. It's in Newlands."
"Newlands Avenue?"
"Yes, close enough." Two hundred more metres and it would have been. "Almost at the intersection with Orange St."
"M3? Orange Street? Gardens?"
"No, Newlands. Almond St."
"Could you spell that please?"
At which point the car started - no doubt dried out from the increasing heat within the car.
Occasion 2 took place a couple of days later. Driving home after midnight, I came across a car that looked a little funny. Perhaps due to the whisky I'd consumed earlier, it took me a while to figure out that this was because it was upside down. And that - given how brightly the lights were still burning - this couldn't have happened too long ago. So, I pulled over, and dialled the emergency number for an ambulance.
"Where is the vehicle?"
"Ladies Mile Road, a few metres from the intersection with Main Road, in Bergvliet."
"Which suburb is that in?"
"Bergvliet."
"Yes, but which suburb?"
"The suburb's name is Bergvliet. It's in Cape Town."
"Cape Town. Right, what's the name of the suburb?"
"Bergvliet. It's south of Diep River, north of Retreat, west of Elfindale, east of Constantia."
"It's in Retreat?"
"No, it's north of Retreat. Ladies Mile Road - it runs from the Main Road in Bergvliet through to Constantia."
Typing noises in the background, followed by "Right, an ambulance is on its way."
Phew! Feeling a little better, I resume my journey home. My phone rings.
"This is Cape Town Emergency Services. You logged a call for an ambulance. It says here Ladies Mile Road, Constantia, near Main Road. Would that be Constantia Main Road?"
"No, Main Road Bergvliet - the other end of Ladies Mile. Just a few metres along, from the Main Road."
"Right - I'll send it now."
A little later my phone rings again. "You phoned for an ambulance? I'm on my way, but I can't find any car on its roof in the Main Road. Where exactly did you say the accident was?"
"Ladies Mile Road, just off the Main Road, in Bergvliet."
"Oh hold on, I see it. Thanks."
By which stage I was wondering if I shouldn't have canned the call for an ambulance, and asked for a hearse instead...