"Amateur ethnography!" she muttered dismissively to Gramsci, as she read it. "Nowhere does she mention the most terrifying experiences of all!"
Gramsci looked up in horror. He knew his breakfast was about to be ruined and there was little he could do to stop it.
"For a start," the Cow continued, "on arrival you have to fight your way between all the dripping pre-adolescents, who seem intent on bringing as much of the swimming pool back into the changing room with them as possible, and the locker doors that the previous users have not seen fit to close. And then, finding an empty locker, you have to negotiate some space on the bench close by to change - in amongst the towels, wardrobes, and cosmetic displays of the gym bunnies!"
Gramsci tucked away the remains of his moth for later. He knew this was just the beginning.
"And then, when you return, and want to shower - well, the grannies who devote an entire day to standing under the shower have used up all the hot water, and continue to reduce the water pressure to a mere dribble by having the tap open on max. Should you decide to persist with the cold trickle, you have to dodge the suspicious opaque liquid on the walls and keep reassuring yourself that, being a women's shower, it *must* be conditioner..."
Gramsci could feel his anti-peristaltic waves starting. It was not a pleasant sensation.
But the Cow continued. "And, once you emerge and start dressing, these women appear in your intimate space and start making admiring comments about your underclothing." She shuddered. "If I wanted to get that close to someone else's cellulite, I'd proposition them!"
Gramsci was feeling decidedly unwell. This did not stop the Cow. "And then," she continued in a pained voice, "there are the children. Unleashed. Wondering around, staring very pointedly at the bodies of their victims. Clearly deprived of late night etv movies and internet porn!"
She felt too weak to continue. "But the women24 article doesn't mention that at all!"
"Perhaps you just go to the wrong gym?" suggested Gramsci. "After all, Kelly seemed to quite enjoy the gym!"
But then, the Cow reminded him, Kelly did have a rather weird relationship with cloakrooms....