"Now," she told Gramsci, "if someone had made assumptions about its sexual preference based on that observation, I might have rolled my eyeballs but understood, kind of. But its gender? I really don't get that."
Gramsci looked bemused.
The Cow continued: "I selected an umbrella with a curved handle simply because it struck me as more functional. You could hook the curved handle over things - the back of a chair, for example; or, if you were carrying it, you could hook that over your forearm while carrying something else in your hand. It just seemed to me far more sensible than the higher-maintenance, straight-handled variety which required single-minded focus and limited possibilities for multi-tasking. *That* was more male, I'd have said..."
Gramsci, with eight forearms, couldn't quite see the attraction - but he humoured the Cow.
"But functional' is synonymous with 'male', whereas females are, well, decorative," he interjected. "After all, there's a precedent. Male orgasms are essential for the perpetuation of the species, whereas the female version - if Cosmo is right and it does in fact exist - is merely an accessory."
The Cow looked stunned. She knew a great many females who'd disagree vehemently, thinking the male orgasm irrelevant at best and downright inconvenient, in fact; whereas the female version was vital. But she knew Gramsci wouldn't be convinced by such opinions.
"Oh really?" she sneered. "Interesting then that the same sources claim that male nipples, like female orgasms, are evolutionary accidents, entirely lacking in function and serving merely to attest to a common embryonic form."
Gramsci backed off, wisely. Perhaps, like the Nipple Owner, he should relegate the male nipple to the realm of mythology, too...