But, following on other discussions, it provokes whiskied cogitations on what Bremner's Inferno would look like.
The first circle is for those who lack faith. These sceptics can be seen at meetings all over Campus, whenever something is presented - like a new Student Admin System that will make life simpler, faster, better. They say nothing - they needn't. They've seen this all before...
The second circle is for those overcome by lust. Since we know that sexual activity is positively correlated with coffee drinking, coffee consumption will be used as a proxy measure for lust, and the frequent patrons of Java Junction and Nescafe will summarily be consigned to this circle.
The third circle is for the gluttons. In a resource-constrained environment, overconsumption is bad to the point of evil. This circle wil include anyone who exceeds the norm for consumption of anything. One printer cartridge too many, and you're here for eternity.
The fourth circle is for the spendthrifts. Those whose monthly phone bill exceeds the Faculty-sanctioned R30, or the HoDs who blow their entire Non-Recurrent Staffing budget within the first three months, knowing they'll be bailed out at the expense of the avaricious. With whom they share this circle. It's basically for anyone who doesn't stick to their approved Spending Plan.
The fifth circle is for the slothful. And because this is as defined by Bremner, it includes anyone whose priorities differ. Including those who do not religiously sign and return those lists that accompany the payslips every month. And those who can't be bothered to spend an entire day trying to catch the authentication server in an up moment so as to download the correct, latest, officially-sanctioned versions of SAP forms to apply for leave, take on a new tutor or Bad, bad, bad!
The sixth circle is for the heretics. Bad people, heretics. These can range from those who argue that the academic project, rather than the spreadsheet, should drive our key decisions, to those who think that the shortened exam period with its half-minute swot week is having a negative effect on our teaching and learning. And pretty much anyone whose first or second name is David, who speaks in Senate.
The seventh circle is for the violent, and is divided into three rings:
- * The outer ring houses those violent against people and property. Especially those who spill coffee on their keyboards!
- * The middle ring houses the suicides. This includes killing one's mind - if an academic - by engaging in discussions with those employed to have hands but not minds (those not on academic conditions of employment). The mind of an academic is University Property, after all, so this category really collapses into the one above.
- * The inner ring houses the blasphemous. Choose your god carefully - if it's not the one officially sanctioned by the Church of Neoliberalism, this is where you'll end up!
- 1. Panderers and seducers - unless you're trying to get students into one of the courses that attract the highest subsidy. Then it's OK.
- 2. Flatterers - but because testing the veracity of claims is tiresome, anyone giving any kind of positive feedback will be included here. You don't want to increase anyone's sense of self-worth, after all - they'll just demand more pay!
- 3. Simonists include those who attained positions in Bremner improperly. For example, through completing a Higher Degree in a cognate discipline which actually qualifies them to do their jobs. In themselves, Higher Degrees are suspect as they raise suspicion that the holder may have <ulp!> academic leanings, but if it's in something completely unrelated, and therefore useless, it can be forgiven if sufficient deference is shown to the Real Priorities.
- 4. False prophets include all those who said that programmes would never work. That outsourcing was a bad idea. That RFJ and Performance Management would create skewed focus. Their prescience - however obvious - is cause enough for any punishment visited on them.
- 5. The corrupt deserve their fate. If they were good enough at it, or did it on a large enough scale, they'd be movers and shakers. Getting caught - ah, well...
- 6. Hypocrits include those who read both Varsity and the Wednesday Paper. It's a choice - either the spin, or the free press. You can't hunt with the hounds and run with the hares.
- 7. Thieves - not just those who "inadvertently" carry off pens or paperclips, or make private calls. Oh no - every minute your mind is wondering if you switched off the stove before you left home is a minute stolen from the University.
- 8. Fraudulent advisors - those who encourage staff to go on training courses to develop themselves. They'll get ideas and want to improve systems and procedures. This is not allowed. Don't encourage people to think - they might just.
- 9. Sowers of discord - people who give colleagues or underkicks positive feedback and mean it. They'll think they're better than their jobs, or their salaries, and agitate for better. Which they won't get, so don't give them ideas.
- 10. Falsifiers - anyone who submits a departmental budget.
- 1. Traitors to their kindred - including anyone who makes themselves available to students. Bad work norm that creates....
- 2. Traitors to political entities - including anyone who thinks that cross-faculty collaboration is a good idea. No point in setting up competing units in a resource-scarce environment if someone's going to spoil the game by cooperating with the enemy!
- 3. Traitors to their guests - including those who try to "educate" their students and teach them to think critically, rather than training them to be cogs in the machine, as required by The Market.
- 4. Traitors to their benefactors - anyone whose immediate response on receipt of their payslip is not to fall down on their knees in grateful thanks, and send effusive emails of profound gratitude to HR for continuing to retain their records in the SAP database.
Now, that's enough time spent reading this. Or do you plan to hand back your salary cheque with a profuse apology for stealing University resources??